I’m not the strongest of people
My heart breaks too easily
My eyes fill up faster than it takes to stop the flow
My mood constantly dangling between pitch blackness and grey
My head like a packed club house
Forever loud up there
living with caution
Fear clouding my every move
I’m not the most perfect of people
I have my insecurities
My flaws and all
Huge Walls around my weakness
Smiles hiding my pain.
My mind filled with words unsaid
I’m not the best of people
Burning bridges my forte
My anger like a natural disaster
Unpredictable and uncontrollable
Train wreck waiting to happen
But Despite my shortcomings.
I’m the most loved of people
Loved with a love too great to be explained
Unconditional, unlimited and complete love
His love encircles me
His love gives me the strength to carry on
His love gives me the grace to be better
I’m perfect in his eyes.
Yes. His love makes me whole
Thank You Lord For loving me
Perhaps I stepped into the wrong universe
Crowded room.
Happy faces.
So much joy and laughter.
I should feel it too
But no. All I feel is doom
Finally spot the reason I’m here
Can’t shake off this feeling.
Outsider outsider
He hasn’t changed much.
Deeper furrows line his Forehead
The same great hug
But I Still can’t shake off the feeling.
The voices. Forget it. Give it up
The same words I repeat to myself everyday
My personal mantra
I feel it from somewhere within
The urge to run is becoming stronger
Flee flee. You don’t belong here.
Maybe if I walk straight, they won’t notice that I don’t belong
I stood half a chance
Wonder what made me believe I could do this
Finally, I can’t stand it anymore
The voices in my head screaming at highest pitch
Outsider outsider
So I flee from it all.
Just keep walking. Yes that’s it.
Fresh air finally. I can breathe now
Relief
But not for long.
Silent sobs
Threatening to let loose
Increased pace.
Got ta escape.
Find release.
what’s the problem sister?
The cab man’s voice brings me back
I havent been on here in a reallyyyyyy long while and i really miss writing. I’ve kind of been on hibernation and I haven’t written or drawn since forever. I went through some stuff and I Kind of became really into how people will look at me, fear of being judged or looked at as weak if I let all my feelings out in what I write.
My creativity level is so low right now and I suck but I think I’m finally ready to get back at it and hopefully be more active . I love to write and it has always been therapeutic for me, being able to let go and just put things down.
Although, i have a new blog which is a personal style/fashion blog “http://Cassiedaves.blogspot.com”
Anyways, i was going through some of my writings from way back and decided to share this here.
Hope you like it
………….
I am usually a heavy sleeper but last night i found it hard to sleep.
Something about the visitor from the city we had at the hut earlier that day irked me.
Papa had had called her Miss Victoria.
I got back from the farm to find a shiny black car parked in our yard,out of curiousity i rushed into the kitchen. Mama was serving fufu with the special plates, the ones we used only on special occasions.
Adaora e bata go,hope the sun wasnt too hot? ,mama asked. Drop your things and go and greet your aunty from the city.
I wanted to ask how come im just knowing i have an aunty in the city but i did as i was told.
I stepped into the sitting room and there sitting beside papa was probably the most beautiful woman i had eva seen, she looked like one of those women in the magazine Nkem my elder brother read.
She studied me as i studied her
Have you lost your manners? Papa yelled and that brought me back.
I quickly mumbled a sorry,greated them and retreated to my room.
I was awake that night,so i heard them arguing. Papa and mama rarely raised their voices but that night they did.
You know we cant afford to take care of all the children and moreover the Miss promised to enroll her in a scholl, papa said. Di’m havent we been managing,let us manage. Ada nwa’m cant be anyones slave, i heard Mama cry for the 1st time and then i knew they were arguing about me, i knew then what the woman called Miss Victoria had come for.
I didnt like that they were arguing or that mama was crying and i knew that i would go if it’d make it better.
I knew we didnt have money and that was why i had to stop going to school and help with the farming.
A tear escaped my eyes before the sleep finally set in
In my JSS3 mind ,Boarding school was the coolest thing ever.. Still think its cool tho
You see I had two siblings already in a boarding school *the Great federal Government college,Lagos A.K.A IJanikin and they always came back with these awesome tales of their various exploits with seniors and school life generally.
It was always highly amusing and I always felt like I was missing out on something.
I wanted in too..
Fortunately, my dad also thought I needed to get in too. His reason bin that boarding school life will curb my canterkerous and recalcitrant nature (the exact words he used, my people I tire mehn, only me all this grammar. God dey 😦 ) and will also help me learn to be independent so I went for the entrance exam into ss1.
Somehow, somehow I sha got in (¬_¬).
I remember my first day in hostel. Lol. I was in extension dorm, same dorm as my elder sister who was in ss2 then.. I was in ss1
I made friends with the other new girls, we were an awkward pair.. Lol
The next morning, we were given our duties.. My sigh of relief when the toilet duty was given to someone else was audible. My Job was to sweep and polish the hostel prefects shoe in d morning -_____-
Dining times were fun too.The constant bread and egg in the morning except well sundays I think were we had akara. I remember how we used to massacre the food *no time* if you aren’t fast, you might not see food to eat.
I never drank their watery tea.
I can’t forget their dining hall prayer “for the food we are about to eat we thank you oh Lord”
Some experiences I won’t forget are when ss3 girls made us pack refuse *yuck* I smelt like dog poo that day.
I had my sister & a school mother in ss2, cousin in ss3 so I wasn’t picked on so much and when on assembly one morning, they brought out a student that stole the bread for breakfast like 10 or so. They piled it on his hands in front of the whole school and flogged him or is it the blind student that picked locks and stole textbooks..*some gangster things mehn* and the day a boy dressed as a girl and came into girls prep class at night..
Also one faithful morning I woke up,had my bath and proceeded to dress for school, only to discover that my stockings were nowhere to be found.. :O :O *my first stolen item* I sha wore socks to school that day *dont ask how, trust me you don’t wanna know*
It was fun mehn..
But I dey sign attendance for sick bay die sha, I always had one ache or the other.
Sadly, I only spent like a term there… Not because I couldn’t survive or stuff.. Don’t ask why.. I just didn’t.
Wondering why I’m reminiscing about my short lived I.J (ijanikin) life? My junior sister is presently in fGC enugu and she has come back with her own tales..lol. Just took me back to my own experience.
Walking the short distance from the bus stop to my house today, I can just imagine what people are thinking..
“Oh! She looks even more lifeless today,never taught that was possible. Wow!”
And I won’t blame them, cos I actually feel that way..
So, we just started our basic clinical skills in school. Basically, it is to familiarize us with hospital procedures and stuff. They share us into groups and we get posted to different units and spend three days in each unit.
I was posted to obstetrics and gynaecology (O & G), and the main clinical ish was to start today.
We had already bin told countless times, that we are to be strictly on corporate from now on 😦
I have decided to document my day to day experience as a clinical student. The stressful days and the exciting events that occur in my postings.
I left my house this morning with no idea whatsoever of what today’s posting was gonna be like. I only hoped for the best..
We assembled at the O&G section of the A&E ward and were immediately divided and assigned to a consultant doctor..
My consultant didn’t waste time in firing us questions.. Lool, and we were just sha looking.. He tackled me for not having my name tag on ☹ :|,
Today was a very stressful day..
We were at it from 9am- 1pm, 2pm -5pm , standing all day long. Imagine my agony when they said we were also to come back for a tutorial by 6pm .chei!!
I got to clerk a patient (like ask em questions. history taking ish) and was also opportuned to see an MVA (manual vacuum aspiration ) bn performed.. Its what you do when you get an abortion, but in this case the woman had a miscarriage and they wanted to remove blood from her womb.
It was an eeewish procedure (cos I was staring at her open genital for quite a while and for someone like me that even the sight of naked girls in hostel isn’t something I’m fond of.. I hate it. You can therefore imagine how I felt)
Shet! I saw the cervix, you know where the baby comes out from..it is sooo tiny….got me scared of child birth:( and the vagina :(… Let’s just say I’m scared of a lot of things now 😐
Well, apart from the standing for a long time and the female doctor who came to harass us by complaining about everything from how we are not meant to wear bright coloured shoes to how we want to expose our gluteus muscles (ass) for all the married doctors *omo, I tire mehn* , it was okay .
Hopefully tomorrow will be less stressful *yeah right!! The worst is yet to come sef* lol…
So frigging tired, just wanted to finish this before I doze off..
Do visit tomorrow ,please. :)..
Theinz ,
:* :*
Stay Sane
Stay Sane
Stay Sane
